Why Teachers Love Depressing Books

Just like the Academy Awards

There was a joke running around a while back that was funny because there seemed to be so much truth to it. No matter what film you think should win the Oscar, it will always lose to a movie featuring a retarded person or someone with a handicap. The same seems to go with YA books and the stuff they force on you in high school. I think if anyone ever writes a novel about a depressed, suicidal, wheelchair bound, runaway teenage boy who suffers untold sexual abuse at the hands of those he loves and winds up in a romantic relationship with someone who later turns out to be his sister and then takes up cutting himself with a razor blade to drive out the demons and who eventually kills himself with a shotgun is going to win big prizes. After all, it’s all about the agnst.

There’s a lot of depressing YA novels out there. On top of that, teachers foist the most saddening shit on students they can find. Which Shakespearian play do you think gets more use in the classroom, Romeo and Juliet or Taming of the Shrew? Which novel do you think more teachers use Great Expectations or Emma? If you picked the more depressing choices where the characters either off themselves in the final scene or sit around and talk about absolutely nothing of consequence, then give yourself a gold star. I’ve never seen a high school class in my area that uses a Shakespearian comedy to teach Shakespeare. It’s always a tragedy, and it’s usually Julius Caesar or that god-awful Romeo and Juliet. Which have such uplifting themes like teenage suicide and how your best friend can turn on you.

And I’ve never seen a school in my area that uses something other than Charles Dickens to teach English Lit. I once brought up in an English class that Jane Austin wrote far more interesting stuff than Dickens. I was told to shut up and finish the chapter like I was told. Goddess forbid we should have our kids read something they might actually enjoy, like Sherlock Holmes. Sure, it may be stuffy English Lit, but by god at least there’s some action instead of characters sitting around saying:

“Oh!” said Nicholas, rather surprised. “I didn’t realize that Lady Jessica made such fine tea and crumpets”

“Yes, they are rather good,” replied Sir Basil. “I like mine with the raspberry jam.” Sir Basil dipped some raspberry jam from the small dish with a table knife.

“Indeed,” Nicholas agreed.

I don’t expect anyone to change their curriculum. This has been going on for hundreds of years. Read this, kid. It’s got death and torment in it, but it’s a classic. Never mind that you’ll think it’s some of the most boring tripe ever laid down on paper. You’ll thank me later for shoving it down your throat.

To this day, I have not thanked my 9th grade teacher for making me suffer through Great Expectations. All I know is that, if there is a heaven, and I meet Charles Dickens there after I die, me, Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, and Edgar Allen Poe are going to kick his ass.