"Do you work here?"

Submitted by Blake on Mon, 06/20/2005 - 01:48
Topic

Joe Schallan has written one of the funniest things I've read in quite some time. First posted to Publib last week, he wrote: "Sue Kamm related one of her pet peeves -- being stationed at one's place in the library, under the 4 x 6-foot neon sign that says "ASK
HERE," whilst festooned with badges of office, name tag, the library PR campaign
button, and all the other appurtenances and regalia of librarianship, and still being asked

"Do you work here?"

As for responses to that, my personal favorite is a double-take and a startled look, as if the possibility had just occurred to me:

" . . . Sure! Why not!?"

Other possibilities:

"Do you work here?"

(Looking long and carefully at library ID badge before responding,
perhaps drawing it up to my face for careful inspection) "No. Sorry.
I don't."
Much more below...
"Do you work here?"

"What do you need?"

"I've never used a computer before, but the company I'm applying to
said the library could help me write my resume in Microsoft Word,
set up a free e-mail account, and, like, send the resume along with
an e-mail to them."

"Interesting. Actually, I don't work here. That fellow over there
(pointing at colleague) can help you with that."

- - - - - -

"Do you work here?"

(Responding quickly) "Yes! How can I . . . (suddenly stopping
short and grasping at an imaginary object on my upper arm, seeming
to tear the phantom item off and hurl it away) . . . "GET OFF!!"

- - - - -

"Do you work here?"

"Yeah. I'm with Facilities Maintenance. Could you give me a hand
over here with the toilet?"

- - - - -

"Do you work here?"

(Looking up sharply) "Are you one of the Ones Who Pay My Salary?"

- - - - -

From a teenage male:

"Hey dude, do you work here?"

"I'm sorry. This is a dude-free zone."

- - - - -

"Do you work here?"

(Looking rapidly about, panic-stricken) "WHERE IS EVERYBODY??
God! Trapped like a rat in a drain!!"

- - - - -

5:55 pm on a Friday, to a librarian five minutes from retirement:

"Do you work here?"

"Yes, but would you terribly mind if I asked you to take your
silly-ass question to another library?"

[Needless to say, far worse responses could be contemplated.]

- - - - -

"Do you work here?"

(Taking off the badges and nametags and handing them to
the patron) "Not anymore I don't."

- - - - -

"Do you work here?"

(Sticking hands in armpits and flapping like a bird) "AIEEEEE!
WEEE . . . HAWWwwww. Unka! Unka! Unka!"

- - - - -

"Do you work here?"

(Loudly, so entire floor can hear) "AW JEEZ, YOU'RE NOT
GONNA ASK ME ONE OF THOSE DUMB QUESTIONS,
ARE YOU?"

- - - - -

"Do you work here?"

(Lowering voice, speaking worriedly) "You're not from the
Sex Crimes Unit, are you?"

Please feel free to try any of these, but remember that I
have copyrighted these responses, and you may use
each only once, for personal amusement and edification.

You may find that patrons will be strangely surprised
and taken aback by some of them. I assume no
responsibility for consequences arising from their use.
Unwrap carefully, and use at your own risk. Recycle.
Carry a spare lightbulb and keep a cool head.

-- Joe Schallan
Phoenix, Arizona
(Yes, but it's a DRY heat . . . )
You can email him to say thanks @ jbsphx at cox.net