Rejected workshops for library conferences

Tony Doyle started this thread on LM_NET back in December. We took those initial ideas, and added more than a few of our own. Below you will find a list of \"Rejected workshops for library conferences.\"
Feel free to add your own.

\"King for Kinder\" How to use stories from the Master of the Macabre, Stephen King, to scare the poop out of little kids.

\"The New Library Standards: How to fake it\" Learn how to talk the talk without walking the walk. Make everyone think you have a great library media program without actually doing all of that tedious work.

Much more below... \"Dumping Dewey: Alternative library arrangements\" The presenter gives examples of how he tried different classification systems at libraries he used to work in. Color, thickness, publisher, ISBN, and other alternatives will be explored.

\"Make your own certifications and degrees\" Tap into the power of desktop publishing to create realistic credentials, transcripts, and other valuable documents. Participants will all receive a NBPTS certificate.

\"Internet P*rn: Help your patrons find the best\" Learn tricks for finding free sites with quality pictures and videos. Defeating CIPA-required filters will also be discussed.

\"Preserving Print Resources the Easy Way\" learn how to reduce or eliminate circulation to prevent wear-and-tear on books and periodicals. Misshelving, reserve, circ system outages, and other methods will be explored.

\"Internet Paper Mills: Get in on the action\" Tired of trying to prevent kids from buying their research projects on-line? Create your own database of papers and start making some money off your patrons.

\"Remodeling on a Budget\" See how butcher paper and tempera paint can transform your library for under $300.

\"Adapting Great Web Pages for Your Library\" Participants will learn a little \"survival\" HTML so they can copy one of the many great library websites out there and change the library and author information to make it their own. Peter Milbury\'s site will be used as an example.

\"Didn\'t Dewey have a harem? Hetero sexual librarianship through the ages.\" There has been literally dozens of heterosexual librarians throughout the past 2 century. This lively talk covers some of the most interesting.

\"Selling your special collection, how to get the best price. Don\'t just let your special collections gather dust, they can help pay for a new car, or you kids tuition at a state school.\"

\"Weblogs, the answer to, and the cause of all our problems.\"

\"Servicing your Public: Connecting Creepy Men with Free Pornography. Help save your patrons valuable time by quickly tracking down the best in cheap internet pornography\"

\"The Problem Patron: The answer is violence.\" Tired of pandering to your problem patrons every whim? Learn the ancient black arts that will quickly and painful incapacity even the most annoying patrons.

\"Begging for dollars\" Learn how to work it on the street corner: Budget cut? Circulation up? Books don\'t grow on trees, learn 8 tips and tricks any good street hustler knows.

\"Life after CIPA\" Lost your will to complain now that CIPA has been defeated? Learn new topics that are sure to ignite a fire under your tired old ass. Salaries, home life, drug deals in the bathroom and more will be covered.

\"Locating Morningstar 101:\" In this workshop, advanced pointing techniques will be discussed, as well as methods for telling patrons that librarians are not financial planners. See also, \"Tax Season at the Library

\"How to find the bathroom:\" Most of your patrons need to pee, and yet they can\'t find the bathroom. Tips and tricks on how to best guide your needful patrons to the potty.\"

\"Fun with MARC records!\" Think all catalogers are humorless old trolls? Well think again, see how much fun cataloging really is in this lively and informative trip down MARC Lane! End this fun session with the new game MARC Bingo.

\"The U.S. Patriot Act and Your Library: Don\'t let the terrorists win\" Remember, if you don\'t report suspicious patrons to the FBI, you\'re a terrorist!

\"Jeb Bush, your friend in The State House.\" See how much of a difference Library Appreciation Month has made as Jeb talks about his pro-education administration

\"You Library\'s Community Bulletin Board: Fill it up!\" Using tacks, push pins or staples, how to fill every last square inch with colorful fliers, phone numbers, lost gloves and racist recruiting information.

\"Weed\'m All, Deselection in the age of eBooks\" In the 21st century, print books aren\'t too important, most of them can simply be tossed out. eBooks are the wave of the future, provide your patrons with the technology they demand, before it catches on.

\"Hidden perks: The library Lost & Found\" Unattended purses and back packs aren\'t the only place to get your hands on the best your patrons have to offer. Find out hot to use an often overlooked valuable resource for fabulous clothing and 7th graders\' notebooks. Also discussed, surfing on the tax payers\' dime.

\"Librarian Humor, file that under ‘stupid’: Librarian Humor in the last 20 Years\" Sony Barari takes a look back at librarian satire, how far we\'ve come and how far we have to go.

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