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In case you didn't have a chance to thoroughly peruse the winners of the recent Bulwer-Lytton Contest , here they are in descending order:
WINNERS OF THE DARK AND STORMY NIGHT CONTEST (run by the English Dept of San Jose State University), wherein one writes only the first sentence of a bad novel.
10) As a scientist, Throckmorton knew that if he were ever to break wind in the echo chamber he would never hear the end of it.
9) Just beyond the Narrows, the river widens.
8) With a curvaceous figure that Venus would have envied, a tanned, unblemished oval face framed with lustrous thick brown hair, deep azure blue eyes fringed with long black lashes, perfect teeth that vied for competition, and a small, straight nose, Marilee had a beauty that defied description.
7) Andre, a simple peasant, had only one thing on his mind as he crept along the east wall 'Andre, creep...Andre, creep...Andre, creep...
6) Stanislaus Smedley, a man always on the cutting edge of narcissism, was about to give his body and soul to a back alley sex change surgeon to become the woman he loved.
Don't you want to know what the winning sentence was? Read on...
5) Although Sarah had an abnormal fear of mice, it did not keep her from eeking out a living in a local pet store.
4) Stanley looked quite bored and somewhat detached, but then penguins often do.
3) Like an overripe beefsteak tomato rimmed with cottage cheese, the corpulent remains of Santa Claus lay dead on the hotel floor.
2) Mike Hardware was the kind of private eye who didn't know the meaning of the word 'fear', a man who could laugh in the face of danger and spit in the eye of death....in short, a moron with suicidal tendencies.
AND THE WINNER IS... Update: 08/05 19:29 GMT by B :[fixed, thanks Donatella]
Christy, lounging in the gondola which slipped smoothly through the enveloping mist had her first inkling that something was afoot as she heard pattering hooves below (for our story is not in Venice but Switzerland with its Provolone and Toblerone) and craning her not unlovely neck she narrowed her eyes at the dozen tiny reindeer, pelting madly down the goat trail.