Save America. Close Your Library.

As an example, last year our library let 1 million people use our computers. And we circulated 10 million items.

One million computer uses does not translate to users, but we have a lot of visitors, so I'll say that we had 250,000 unique users.

What would that mean if we closed the library and forced those people to pay for what fills their hours of unemployment?

What if they paid for that computer that we've been letting them use for free? 250,000 people buying $300 netbooks equals $75,000,000.

$15 a month for internet access equals $45,000,000/year.

And this is just my people. What if every large metropolitan area were like this? Think of all this potential money in a place like New York City. Or Los Angeles.

What about all those circulated items?

We know that everyone wouldn't buy all the things they get for free from the library because some of our patrons are shoplifters and thieves. So those library users would just steal things.

But many other library users would pay for what they want. And this is what could save America. Right now, people are getting all this free stuff from libraries that they could be buying from their local merchants. Books, ebooks, DVDs, music and books on CDs, Ke$hadise, Bieberdise, Gagadise, information, babysitting services, newspapers, magazines, nice furniture, assorted items that people need to buy in order to use the restrooms at the local stores, etc. Babysitters! My God, libraries take money from babysitters!

Libraries suck all this money from the neighborhood by providing these goods and services for free. If libraries released that tax money back into the community to be used by the citizens, it would all be on french fries, Diet Coke and potato chips. But after that, when residents wanted something to entertain themselves, they would have to spend money to buy it. And that would help America.

The business of America is business. What is a library but a haven of unbusiness. No money changes hands for all the good and services exchanged in the library. But closing libraries could change that.

Close libraries and all that money that libraries have been keeping in people's pockets will be freed to make purchases and buy things. We know that one library book can satisfy 26 or more readers. A DVD can be lent over 100 times. That's over $2,000 lost to local businesses for every DVD that your library purchases.

Too drastic, you say? Well then, you must hate America. What are you, al Qaeda? Every day that libraries remain open is another day that the terrorists win.

So stop supporting international terrorism. Let your library know how much you love freedom by forcing it to close its doors, for good. For America.

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While I know today is April 1st...this is just way too realistic...

I get your "Modest Proposal-ish" intent. I would remind you about the VAST numbers that misinterpreted that. Reading does not equal true understanding. Satire that's too good is too real...

Commies! Pinko commies!

Doesn't seem to work. Trying to shock library supporters into action to save their library doesn't appear to be working - on any level.
Even pointing out the potential disasterous outcomes of library closings doesn't seem to work.
Even though the library is the great equalizer, the resource of the informed citizenry, the bedrock of democracy - none of that seems to get through.
Maybe effing is right - let's quit.

I'll give you this, you have a novel thought. No pun intended. A big question is where are you putting the principle of an informed citizenry in your stream of consciousness against public libraries ?

We have lots of "one for one" outlets in the United States. Let us have a few "all for one" models. You don't have to participate. That's your option. So if you are a public librarian, think about quitting your job for something more satisfying to your entreprenuerial mindset.

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