To Serve Us.
I finally understand the mystery that is Google. It can be found by understanding the meaning behind their philosophy of Don't be evil.
When Google space aliens came to Earth to conquer us, they made the same mistake so many space aliens had made before; they based their understanding of human society on transmissions they'd received from deep in space.
When Google space aliens arrived on Earth, they had no intention of not doing evil. The concepts of good or evil did not exist in their realm. Because they existed millions, even billions, of miles away in space, the Google space aliens didn't come to Earth specifically to cause harm. They came in response to a message:
"You know I can be found,
Sitting home all alone,
If you can't come around,
At least please telephone.
Don't be cruel to a heart that's true."
"Don't be cruel." Words and music by Otis Blackwell (and Elvis).
Sung by Elvis Presley.
Billboard #1 hit, and one of the greatest rock n roll songs ever recorded.
As I said, they didn't come here specifically to cause harm; that came later.
The Google space aliens came here seeking Elvis. Due to a miscommunication caused by poor translation software available on the Internet at the time, their desire to locate the source of the song "Don't be cruel" which they had been enjoying from deep space and whose lyrics beckoned them here, came out as the now famous Google motto: Don't be evil. It was a simple mistake.
But when the Google space aliens arrived on Earth with their one goal of meeting Elvis, he was nowhere to be found. His song said he'd be home, sitting all alone. But when they looked, he wasn't there. Sure, rumors circulated that he'd just been somewhere, and there's even evidence that he's everywhere. But he wasn't home when the Google aliens checked.
Apparently, Elvis had left the building. The song says to call, but it doesn't list a number.
Makes sense now, huh.
You don't need to believe, but all the evidence is there. To facilitate their search for Elvis, they created the largest search tool ever known to mankind. Just read the Google corporate philosophy if you want more proof. Think of Elvis while you read, and it all makes sense.
Sure, we can use Google to search for porn. We can search for the perfect name for our newest cat. We can search for recipes that use what we have in the refrigerator right now: salsa, green beans, half a Milky Way bar, bourbon, two bagels. But that doesn't stop Google's ultimate global search for Elvis.
Until then, they will continue to consume every bit of information we have. Scanning. Crunching. Digitizing. Everything. Including us.