the much needed the.effing.librarian faq

Many people ask the.effing.librarian questions for advice, help or just to share his wealth of knowledge. This is his response:

I understand that you view me as an expert in most areas, but frankly, why should I share my expertise with you? I see no benefit to me. I'd love to help, but you see my dilemma.
So to head off some of those questions, I've created this Frequently Asked Questions section. I sincerely hope these answers help with what you were searching for, so that you will go away and leave me alone.

1. Are you really a librarian? I can't believe any school would give you a degree.

They didn't give it so much as I beat the Dean with my shoe until he loosed his grip enough for me to take it.

2. Who's your favorite author?

I devour everything I can find written by Gerald McVeney. Listen to this:
Set iron at recommended fabric setting.
Point arrow on spray button to red dot on can.
Shake well, before and during use.

That's for a can of spray starch, one of his early works. Gerald writes product label directions. Right now I'm in the middle of reading his directions for a can of Scrubbing Bubbles:
Won't scratch surfaces...leaves a brilliant shine!
Has a fresh, clean lemon scent.

See if that hack, John Updike can write like that. As soon as I finish cleaning the toilet, I'll upload my entire library to my LibraryThing account so you can add the magnificent works of this true, modern genius to your collection. And they easily remove soap scum.

3. What will be the new trends in information storage and retrieval?

Knowledge suppositories. Right now, MIT can fit 120 terabytes of data into a glycerin capsule the size of a Pillsbury Toaster Strudel. And don't tell me it won't fit. You never know until you try.

4. Can you give me advice on how to hook up with men/women?

Spend much money. Tell many lies.

5. I've been arrested. I've heard that terrible things happen in jail. What should I do?

People exaggerate. Jail is fine. Tell everyone how much you enjoyed reading Harry Potter and you'll make lots of friends.

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